Is That My Response-ability?
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I was sitting on the couch with my husband, Bob, one day discussing if we each ever had a problem with taking responsibility for our response to the circumstances that happen to us. I told him that was an area I’ve had trouble with.
I was married once before in my early 20’s. It didn’t end well. If I can be honest with you, it shouldn’t have ever began in the first place. But, that’s another story for another day. I had never dreamed that I would one day end up divorced. I was ready and willing to stick it out, but marriage is a two way street. I couldn’t make decisions for my former spouse just as I can’t make decisions for my husband now. But, the good news is, I don’t have to. I only am responsible for how I react.
While going through what seems like the worst time in my life (the above mentioned divorce), I asked God to help me. "I don’t want to be a victim. Help me to see my side of the story. I don’t want to go through this again. I want to choose better and most important, I want to be a better wife the next time I have a chance.”
Just a simple prayer, but it led to powerful results.
God showed me how I was manipulative when my former spouse didn’t do or say what I wanted or what I thought a good husband should do or say. “Really? Did I really do that?” It was hard to admit, but I finally conceded it was true.
I realized that day that I was manipulating through pouting and silence. Ouch! God, you were so right. Who wants to live with that?!
I also realized that I had married my first husband out of sheer desperation. I had such a low self-esteem, I was just happy someone liked me. Don’t get me wrong. He was a nice guy. But, he was far from the best guy for me.
Those are two tough pills to swallow. Well, it was time to pull up my sleeves and get to work. And, work I did.
I read books, studied scripture and even went through a divorce recovery class. I was well on my way to taking responsibility for my responses.
But, I could only work on myself by myself up to a certain point. I needed the pressure of a relationship in order to complete the transformation process. It wasn't until I started dating Bob and then got married to him that I was really able to deal with the extra baggage (i.e. manipulation and self-esteem).
It was with the pressure of a relationship that some of those old, ugly habits came back up to the surface.
A marriage can bring out the worst in us sometimes. But, that’s not a bad thing. It gives us a chance, if we choose, to get it out of our lives. If we just let it stay buried, we can’t get rid of that junk inside.
Taking responsibility for how we react to things that come our way can be hard. No one wants to think, “I could have handled that better.” Isn’t it so much easier to say, “I reacted that way because they did such and such." Or, how about, "it’s not my fault." Or, my favorite, "yes, but if you hadn’t…" These are only some of the tactics we employ to deflect the blame. We have to blame someone right? Or, do we?
I’m reminded of the scripture about the silver and the dross.
"Take away the dross from silver, and it will go to the silversmith for jewelry." Proverbs 25:4 (NKJV)
Dross is the impurities found in a precious metal. Things like gold and silver don’t actually start out as just gold or silver, pretty and shiny, ready for that new ring you always wanted. There are other metals and impurities mixed into them. In order to create pure gold or silver, you have to heat the metal to an extreme temperature. As you do, the impurities separate and come to the top. Once they’re separated, you can just skim off the impurities from the surface like you were skimming the fat off that turkey gravy you were trying to make last Thanksgiving.
In those moments when life’s communications get heated, that pressure brings that junk in me (things that aren’t Christ-like) to the surface. When that happens, I have a choice to make. I have the ability to respond correctly.
Do I keep the pressure on so that junk can be skimmed off and removed, or do I run away (either emotionally or physically)? It is my choice how I am going to react.
As I take responsibility for my reactions (yes I still have to do this), that dross or junk has the chance to surface and be skimmed off. Through this process, our relationship has blossomed into something beautiful.
So, how about you? What response(s) do you need to take response-ability for?
Once you’ve figured out what response you need to take responsibility for, here’s some steps you can follow to change it.
1. The Buck Stops With You
Admit where you were wrong. What happened to you may not be your fault, but there is always something we can take responsibility for. Even if it’s just how we respond to what happened to us.
2. Ask God for help
He said he would give wisdom to anyone who asks.
"If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking." James 1:5 (NLT)
3. Don’t run when the pressure is on
Let God work in you to get rid of those things that aren’t Christ-like reactions. Remember the pressure will draw those unwanted responses to the surface, where you can choose take responsibility and get rid of them.
4. Replace your old response with a new one
They say to get rid of an old habit you can’t just leave an empty void. You need to fill it with something. So, instead of responding how you used to respond, choose ahead of time what your new response will be.
As Andy Andrews says it in the Traveler’s Gift, “…by accepting responsibility for my past, I free myself to move into a bigger, brighter future of my own choosing.”
I want to live in that bigger brighter future instead of letting my past and my bad responses control my destiny. I’ve decided that the buck stops with me. How about you?