Podcast Episode 212 - Revolutionize Your Life With These 4 Tendencies - Part 2 Obliger
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Have you ever called yourself lazy or undisciplined because you can’t ever seem to get your goals accomplished?
Do you ever feel like you have time to help everyone else, but when it’s time to invest in yourself, there’s no time left?
How about those New Year’s Resolutions? Did you give up on them years ago, knowing you’ll never do them?
It’s time for part 2 of Revolutionize Your Life With These 4 Tendencies. Let’s talk about Obligers and how to get those internal expectations working for you instead of against you. And if you’re not an Obliger, how can you support those reaching for their dreams?
Today is for you if…
If you’re tired of beating yourself up for not getting it done…again.
If you desire to fulfill your God-given purpose but struggle to make progress.
If you need the key to keep you on the right path to accomplishing your goals.
In the last episode, we talked about the 4 Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, and I gave a quick overview of each tendency. These tendencies are four types of people and how they handle both internal and external expectations.
If you caught the last episode, did you get a chance to take the test to see which tendency you are? If not, click here to take the quiz.
Now, let’s tackle each tendency individually. You’ll understand yourself better and how your tendency relates to others. This will help you fully express who you are, engage more effectively with others and ultimately help you fulfill the life Father’s called you to.
Let’s talk Obliger.
Here’s the kicker: even though you never seem to accomplish your personal goals, you always get that report to your boss on time. Your kids can count on you to get them to their sporting event, even though you originally planned to have some “you time.”
If any of this hits home, you, my friend, might just be an Obliger.
I’m an Obliger. For years I beat myself up, calling myself lazy and undisciplined because I could never seem to achieve personal goals. Forget New Year’s Resolutions! I stopped making those decades ago! Why make a goal when you know you won’t achieve it and then just have more fuel to beat yourself up for not meeting that goal?!
The odd thing was I was great at work. You could rely entirely on me when I was given a task to complete or show up on time every time I had a deadline.
Why? Why could I do everything for everyone else but never get those things done for myself?
I had big dreams to write bible studies, write books, speak and coach, but years would go by with no progress. Too busy? Not really; I just put everyone else’s needs and wants before my own.
Then magic happened. Gretchen explained what an Obliger needs to get internal expectations done. External accountability.
Cue the Hallelujah chorus. My life is forever changed! I no longer think of myself as lazy! I’m not lazy; External accountability was the secret ingredient to getting things done for myself.
“How can an Obliger meet internal expectations?”
External Accountability.
As Obligers, we must create EXTERNAL accountability to achieve those internal expectations.
Knowing this is freeing. You can now create a game plan to help yourself meet those internal expectations that you’ve been putting off for years! Woohoo!
I now have truckloads of accountability set up to meet my goals! And, for the first time in my life, I’m consistently working on MY dreams!
1. Enlist accountability partner(s).
In her book, The 4 Tendencies, Gretchen shared an excellent example of how two Obligers managed to be each other’s accountability partners to work out at the gym. They would each exchange a shoe when they left the gym. Now they must show up, or their friend can’t work out. Brilliant!! Cut, print, check the gate!
Get creative and find those accountability partners to help you meet those internal expectations.
Tell them what you’re doing and when you need it done.
Text each other.
Set up a time to have coffee or jump on a Zoom or phone call to check in.
Phone a friend when you’re falling off the bandwagon.
2. Employ apps to hold you accountable.
For instance, I use the Lose It app to track my weight and exercise. I used it years ago to lose almost 40 pounds. But I continue to use it to hold me accountable. It helps me make better food choices. I know if I’m maintaining my weight and can take immediate action if I’m not. The app holds me accountable because I will gain weight if I don’t use it. Trust me; I tried it without it.
There are countless apps you can use to hold yourself accountable, including the Sweepy app for cleaning. Oh, and you can hold others accountable for their chores too!
3. Try a planner to hold you accountable for your goals and tasks.
It can be paper or virtual, or a hybrid of both. I do a hybrid of my digital calendar and paper planner.
For my personal goals and daily tasks, I use a planner that has goal tracking in it. For my meetings, I use my digital calendar. Then put the event on my paper planner each day.
I’ve tried several and have liked them all.
Full Focus Planner
Brendan Burchard High-Performance Planner
Currently, I’m using a custom Plum Paper Planner.
Since using a planner to hold me accountable, I’ve been meeting goals for the first time in my life!
Use whatever works, but try something.
“How can others help an Obliger?”
1. Don’t take advantage of an Obliger
Now for those of you that know an Obliger or are maybe married to one, you can help them by first not taking advantage of their helpful Obliger nature.
It can be so easy to continually go to the Obliger for help because you know they’ll say, “yes.”
Please don’t over-ask; please use your emotional intelligence to read when they hesitate before they say “yes.” This is a clear sign they really should and want to say “no.”
2. Watch out for Obliger Rebellion
Warning - you push an Obliger too far, and if they feel they’re being taken advantage of, they will rebel. Oh, for real; it’s called “Obliger Rebellion.”
Obliger rebellion is when Obligers have had enough and rebel against the external expectations coming at them. It may look like it’s coming out of now where, but it’s been building my friends. So, please be sensitive to not push your Obliger friends to the point of Obliger rebellion.
To my Obliger friends, you can watch out for this by learning to say “no.”
I know it’s hard, but you can do it! It’s really for everyone’s good that you don’t get pushed too far and shut it all down.
3. Ask how you can help the Obliger to help them meet their internal expectation.
Ask–don’t tell.
My husband will ask me, “What can I do for you to help you write or take something off your plate?” He’s not telling me I need to write. He’s helping clear other external expectations so I can do what I want.
P.S. It also helps me as an Obliger to write when he’s helping me do other things because I don’t want to waste his help.
So, the bottom line for Obligers is to use external accountability to get done our internal expectations.
And, for those communicating with an Obliger, be sure not to abuse their helpful nature and help where you can hold them accountable to their internal expectations (for their benefit–not yours).
Next time, we’re going to delve into the Rebel!
Homework:
If you’re an Obliger, what’s the best way you’ve found to employ external accountability to get done your internal expectations? Or, what will you use now to hold you accountable?
For non-Obligers, what’s one way you think you could help your fellow Obligers with accountability?
Still, wondering which tendency you might be? Click here to take the quiz.