Podcast Episode 180 - To Communicate or Not to Communicate pt 3 – Listen Up
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What do you do when a close friend or spouse shares what they need? Embrace and love unconditionally? Or, Dismiss and get defensive?
Have you ever struggled with what someone else needed when it conflicted with what you needed?
Do your closest friends’ and family’s personalities rub you the wrong way?
I’ve been discussing what you need with those closest to you. But what happens when the tables are turned, and your spouse or friend needs to share with you what they need or have that difficult convo? What do you do? How do you respond? Let’s break it down.
Today is for you if…
If you’re tired of simple conversations turning into something bigger than they should.
If you desire closer, honest relationships.
If you’re ready to embrace what makes your friends and loved ones different.
Communication is a two-way street.
We must share what we need with those closest to us. We talked about that in episodes 178 & 179. But what about when our loved one needs to share what they need with us? Or if they need to have a difficult conversation with you?
How you respond to their needs determines whether that conversation goes well or terribly wrong.
Proverbs 15:1 AMP
A soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger.
Here are three keys to receiving what others need to share with you:
Listen
Listen with an open heart.
And don’t get defensive.
Walls block relationships and make people feel unappreciated.
See Their Side
Step into their shoes.
More arguments could be avoided with this one.
There are always three sides to every story. Your side, my side and the truth somewhere in the middle.
It’s okay to meet in the middle.
Accept and Appreciate
What you need and someone else needs most likely will be different because we’re all different.
There’s a variety of personalities and nuances of those personalities.
Remember what you appreciated in your spouse or friend when you started hanging out?
Is that the thing that bothers you now?
Why?
Were you secretly hoping to change them?
Here’s what you’re spouse or friend might need according to their Enneagram Type.
Enneagram Personality types & what they need:
Type One: Strict Perfectionist or Improver
Say what you mean respectfully. And then do it. Remind them it’s okay to tell their inner critic to sit and zip it.
Type Two: Considerate Helper
Say thank you for the big and little things. Show appreciation. Remind them that it’s okay to take time for themselves and help them do it.
Type Three: Competitive Achiever
Cheer on their dreams and help them celebrate my wins.
Appreciate their efficiency and help them get things done faster. Remind them that their belonging is not at stake if I fail. Show them love for who they are and not what they do.
Type Four: Intense Creative
Listen to and affirm that their feelings are real and intense. Appreciate their intuition, uniqueness and creativity. Remind them that they’re not missing anything that they think others have.
Type Five: Quiet Specialist
Be supportive of their need to recharge alone. Let them figure things out on their own. Respect the information they bring you, knowing they thought it out thoroughly. Remind them that it’s okay to have physical and emotional needs.
Type Six: Loyal Sceptic
Appreciate that their preparation for everything is their way of caring for you. Please don’t dismiss their concerns. Show them that our relationship is important to you by keeping your commitments. Remind them they can trust themselves and make good decisions.
Type Seven: Enthusiastic Visionary
Join in their brainstorming and dreaming without editing. Encourage their healthy spontaneity. Appreciate that fun and joy are essential to them.
Ask them how they’re really doing, and don’t force them always to be positive. Remind them that it’s okay and healthy to sit in pain.
Also, remind them that someone will take care of them.
Type Eight: Active Controller
Appreciate and even match their intensity with your whole self. Don’t sugarcoat. Be loyal and protect them. Prove to them that it’s safe to be vulnerable with you.
Type Nine: Adaptive Peacemaker
Give them space to think and then wait for their answers patiently. Don’t answer for them.
Appreciate that if they engage in anything that could cost harmony, it takes a lot of effort on their part.
Remind them that their presence and voice matter, and then give them a safe space to share their opinions, needs or concerns.
If you’re having difficulty accepting what they need, ask yourself why.
Is it triggering something from the past?
Is it something you think you can’t do?
Is it can’t or won’t?
Do you have any unforgiveness towards them you need to let go of?
Homework:
Preempt a conversation with your spouse or a friend.
Let them know you want to be there for them and ask if there’s anything they need that you’re not currently giving them.
Fear is one of the biggest blocks when it comes to knowing ourselves, communicating that with others and receiving what others have to say.
If you struggle with overcoming fear in any area of your life, My friends Becky Michel and Kat Schudel and I created a workshop just for you.
The Your Fearless Journey virtual workshop is Saturday, March 11, 2023, from 9 am - 12 pm CT.
You’ll walk away with real-world tools to get you unstuck and overcome the fear holding you back so you can live your life courageously and wildly inspired!